will I see you tonight?

I need a purpose. I need to stop complaining, and being this machine that just spews bullshit about me and how fucking boring my life is.
When will I stop being the only thing I have to talk about.
Can't work, not capable.
Can't make friends because I live in ass fuck nowhere.
I can't go to work and make friends because I'm not capable.
I can't help someone I love who is now in the same situation I was in over a year ago.
I need a purpose.
I have no one to take care of but myself and I'm so sick of me that I don't even do that.
Sad look on Kelly's face? "Well what's wrong dear?" And off I go again, talking about myself.
They all want me to talk about myself and what's wrong. What's wrong is I am sick to fucking death of talking about myself and my problems but can't fucking stop because I've been brainwashed to think its the only thing that can help.
Blah blah blah, me me me.
I was happier having someone to think of other than myself.
I'm not a selfish person, I'm a broken person who aches to heal another broken person.
I'm lost in this sick circle of everyday mundane bullshit that turns into life altering events in my head because I'm so lost in every other aspect of life.
I got something back recently that I lost, but only got it back in part.
I gave a part of myself away to people that I will never get back. Is it a part of myself I want back? I don't know.
I can't even decide if I'm made of different parts, good and bad, or if I'm just pieces to several different puzzles that can't be put together. Each puzzle missing that one important piece to make it whole.
Are my missing pieces that one magical pill to make my head right?
Are my pieces that beautiful broken man I left in shambles, that man who always somehow kept me in one piece?
When you're sick and left to your own thoughts you fixate on yourself, or people who are like you. Maybe if I could save him I could save myself you think. You become this monomaniacal thing that people don't know what to do with.
I'm a burden to all the people that love me because watching me hurt hurts them, which in turn hurts me more and it never ends. I used to expect these people to make my life better for me, want them to do all the right things to get me help. I can't do it anymore. I need to find my own way out.
I need a purpose.
But I'm lost.


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