lips like a bow soft like a ribbon

Pitch forks be coming my way if I don't post here eh.

I started jewelery making.

You can buy.
You want to buy?

'Cause you can buy.

One of a kind
Once I clean my room and find my camera you shall see.

This was taken last Thursday, the last day I had a drink. Well I think I had closer to 12 but you get what I'm saying, Kelly has been sober a week in one hour and a half!
So no more boozed up Kelly shots, she's going to be a square non-drinker.

Which is good because it means no more embarrassing photos like this will be taken of me and put on Facebook.

I hate you Blogger sometimes, you always fuck with my posts.

I also can't believe how fat I used to be.

I was 140 lbs once upon a time.

I'm 108 lbs now and could still stand to lose more and still look more than healthy. I was a bored eater. And an over-eater.

I'm fucking bored so I'm going to go jack it or paint, most likely paint. I want to be in Kamloops so nice there. Its shit here.

Not gonna lie I have a serious veggie pizza craving with three cheese ranch dip... mmm

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Actually I guess since the cat is on my lap and not moving so my ass is still parked in front of the computer I can talk a little about why I'm quitting drinking.

I'm an alcoholic. Have been since I was 12. Grades 8 and 9 before I left highschool to homeschool I'd show up drunk at lunch time once, twice a month and to EVERY school dance.

I've done a lot and I mean a lot of stupid things while intoxicated and at only 20 I've done and seen more than most people in their 30's - and almost always for alcohol.

Alcohol ruined the my relationship. I was going to get married and have a baby but instead spent all my time, money, and effort into getting drunk to escape to a place that was even more unhappy than the one that was already in my mind.

I want a life.

I want to be a wife and a mom. I really honestly don't care WHO you are but you have no right to tell me I'm too young to want those things.

Maybe you are content being a young partier, flirting and jumping from person to person, having short meaningless relationships, maybe you just are genuinely happy being single and independant, doing your own thing all the time.

I want more than that. I did the partying, I did the fucking, drugs and drinking and I'm done.

I want the traditional life with the person I love. So there it is.

No more booze 'cause I literally want to be a square.

Plus my meds don't mix with alcomahol vurry well.

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life for sale

Take it for what you think its worth.



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creature that is my keeper

Mistake.

Dictionary definition : an error

There's this thing about me... I can never make up my mind. This morning I wanted blue, this evening I want orange.
It is called being indecisive.
Indecisiveness is part of my illness - whatever it may be.
An illness that I've devastated the most beautiful thing in the world to me with.
Quite simply, love.
I changed my mind a thousand time for no reason for no rhyme.
Truth is my mistake is that when I was talking to you on the phone the other day is that I was letting my illness speak. I let indecision enter my mind and again I gave in to it.
So many fucking times I've given in,
or let go.
Told someone this mistake, this error is mine to make. Told another I won't make this mistake, this error, again.
I doubt my heart every minute.
But I don't doubt you and how well you know me.
I put this all on you.
And you put this thing in me - this thing that makes my heart break when I don't hear your voice for 42 hours. This fucking thing that rises up and screams when I see your single status on Facebook.
So juvenile I know. I'm supposed to be an adult and I'm crying over a God damn networking site.
Enamored since the day I met you when I was 13.
My heart is in your hands. Be gentle. Let it go... or give it a tender squeeze and make it beat again.

I didn't believe in being heartsick until you.

I didn't feel much before you.

I can live without you.

I don't want to.

Something inside me would take all the pain and suffering in this sick world just to see you again and be in your arms just one last minute.

All the bad days the world could offer till the end of my days, for one last great one with you.

This thing

this illness

you put it in me

I won't give it back

because I love you too damn much.

Said I was learning about myself without you.

Learned I'm a wreck.

I don't give two shits about what people have to say about co-dependant bullshit.

Fuck you, no I don't depend on men for happiness.

I lost all feeling of control without you.

I can't see what happy looks like anymore.

All sense of contentment has burst into flames I can't put out.

I want you to be happy.

with me

the way I am with you

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holy balls

Last night was nucking futs holy shit.
I honestly do not even know where to begin. My Darcy is gone now :(
Poor guy, if he felt anything even close to what I did at 8 AM when we dropped him off at the Greyhound knowing I had to sit on that fucking bus for 8 hours I'd have wanted to kill myself.

Ok back to last night.
Met a member of Hedley he was giving me drunky come fuck me eyes I just shook his hand and walked away after Darcy introduced us then Darc comes running up behind me and was like, "Kelly THAT GUY IS IN HEDLEY!" I'm like.. "really? hmm"
Band at the bar was Sweet Tequila and their name is quite easy to figure out why it was chosen because the lead singer bought like half the bar tequila shots I did one and almost barfed all over the bar. My lordy tequila is so nasty. He knows my sister so I hung out with him for a bit for the night.
Then while out for a smoke Darcy saw a cute boy and was like lets go say hi! So running he dragged me over to him and a butch-ish looking girl they loved us right away.
Then I don't understand what happened a couple hours after that, I went out for a smoke the girl was out there so I stood beside her and the cops are there and she's laughing at her friend being patted down by the piggies and I was like wahh? Finish my cancer stick and head towards the door to go back in and this bitch piggy yells and me and Darcy saying we aren't allowed back in. Even the bouncers looked confused as fuck because we weren't being shit disturbers AT ALL. So I hate the po-po in PG now.
OH and I fucking hate the dick wad bar tenders that lie to customers about the debit machine being broken just so they can squeeze every lasy penny out of you. UGH. One girl let me use it, ten minutes laster I go up again and a diff girl said no its broken I'm like yeah no it is not I just used it.

Its making me mad all over again.
Fast forward to this morning woke up still drunk and loaded on my sleeping pills went to McDonalds now I've got the always lovely McShits. Get home, scarf a Michelina's in bed half passing out in it it was gross. I'm so classy.

I want the fucking photos Darc and I took.
I digress, I think I want to eat more food then another assplosion then another nap.
Bikes are insured now so lucky Kelly gets to go for a ride with the gang so excited. First time on a bike a few days again.

I'm not drinking for a month I'm sick of this shit.

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dry canada

Ugh why do I drink such shit beer?
Or right because its cheap and I'm broke and bought a 40 dollar dress today then felt so sick about it I had to return it.
Bought another dress too. You will have to wait for Darcy's slow lazy ass for pictures of it though.

call it tits for hits, darc calls it being "unclassy" I call it NOT GIVING A FUCK

So since I live in PG there is still snow out here in the sticks where I  live and I was wearing a dress and bailed so hard in 3 foot deep snow it was great. My foot got stuck and everything.
Go to LUSH and buy the solid perfume called honey i washed the kids I did today its an orgasm of the nostrils I promise.

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i play fetch with cats not dogs

Like seriously playing fetch with a cat right now with Darcy. When he stops being a douche I'll post our photos they are great. He says I'm unclassy cause I'm nood on the interwebs. I say yes. We're half cut and it is 1:30 in the afternoon. You know you have a problem WHEN. K Darcy wants to blog on my blog in a sec.
My sister hates chair on the hest.

Ok Time for gay boy.

Ok so here's the skinny.
Kell and I are in PG having an absolute blast, we watch movies and drink all day.
At night we hit up the local club "the genny". Lastnight was a blast.
As we speak we are drinking 8% TNT beer, and prepping to go to the mall.
I love it here, with mah lady. Ok lets talk about being classy, and being trashy.
Nude photo's on the internet ? Just a wee bit trashy agreed ?

K fuck you Darcy I never said I was classy and you are a whore. So shut up half girl. I love you I will marry your half queer ass one day.

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i forgot how boring home was now i remember

So remember way back when I said I had some happy happy good secret news?

Well its off so I can say now what it was.

Was going to get back with my ex-fiancee, supposed to go back to Kamloops next week and see him.

And now its done.

One upside to my super shit is my best buddy Darcy is coming up tomorrow, downside to that I am broke as fuck already and its costing me 200 dollars to get him here so I'm going to be broker than broke. I'ma be Toni Braxton back in the early 00's and that's broke folks.

We shall have vonderful stories to tell and lots of photo proof of our shenanigans. hoora

I honestly feel like the stupidest person in the world right now.

Naive about being naive now that some serious naivety, agree?

To think someone could love you enough to change even the slightest amount.

To think somone could change for their own fucking sake.

Like fuck me in the ass with a spoon right.

There isn't a damn person in this world who knows that loving someone shouldn't hurt so fucking much. That it isn't being told what to do or putting yourself aside and making up lies and excuses for someone who is simply lacking in the common sense/adult world/responsibilty/etc. department.

Trusting the person you love most is the stupidest thing a person can do.

I mean I'm no innocent. I did him wrong. I cheated. I lied too.

You can't love someone, you cannot honestly say you love me after all you've thrown away.

So Laura, have the jail-bird drunk, he is alllll yours, just maybe keep in mind to wear a helmet when you're around him when he's drunk, I didn't so I've been knocked out a few times, not fun.

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i give non-alcoholic beer blowies whats YOUR talent

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stop this beat is killing me

Oh I want Spring like I want air to breathe.

I call this one Blue Steel
Posted this to torture myself 'cause I've got none right now.

Appropriate or not, like it or not, you're doing your own thing so I
shall do mine, and that is be neked on the interwebs. Sorry but not.

Had an awsome night. Woke up too early. About to pass out on my keyboard. Supremely pissed off.

I love Queen but the radio plays Fat Bottomed Girls wayyy too much.

I'm so gross right now I'm starting to like some top 40's pop music I feel like a douche.

Out of smokes. Broke till Thursday then broke again because I can't stop shopping fuck. Oh well. I hate Nicorette.

I miss my home.

Found out my bro and I both have the same guilty pleasure band - Savage Garden

Who hates waiting? Raise your hands.

So cool story I got a coffee at 3 AM and coffee enhances my mania so so very much so stayed up till 6:30 AM then woke up at about 10 I think. I'm a bad story teller I didn't need to tell you that though, Captain Obvious to the rescue!

Ate and ate and ate so much the past 5 days but still haven't gained a pound, still 110 I had manic munchies last night so bad, I ate Miss Vickies' chili or pepper and sour cream something or other kind of chips with tzatziki or what ever I'm too lazy to google the spelling.

Is everything made to be broken? Feels like it.

Pneumonia going away, last day of horse pill antibiotics thank fuck.

so brain dead atm.

Perfect lyrics for you, "keep on building the lies that you make up for all that you lack." Perfect lyrics for me.

memememememeemememmememmememe

Being back in Prince George brings back a lot of bad memories, at 15 haden't seen my father or grandfather in oh 5 or so years. Gandpappy was dying in the hospital. I tried to kill myself in the hotel I was staying in. 15 and just by a hair almost spent Christmas alone in a hotel . He died Christmas eve morning. Same hotel my mother and I stayed in a while ago after she decided to go behind my back and spill my biggest secret to my father.

Finally met ONE person last night who liked my stupid honest candor, no one likes it. I don't even like it.

k fucking nap times dudes.

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sorry i'm not sorry but am really really sorry

Been days, couch surfing at my brother's then my sister's haha haven't been home in fucking days my phone has now been dead for 3 of those days so no people I don't hate you I just can't text you back. e.i Jamie who just discovered this.
I went shopping today...
I used to be so damn good with money but when you see something beautiful and you don't have a smart MAN there to say "Kelly, you don't need that." well then you're kinda ass fucked.
Got a Michael Jackson looking jacket today, it is really incredible but I don't have my camera here so I can't show you. I'm wearing it tonight with black leggings and white socks not to try and look like him just where I am I have only one pair of socks (they're clean) and they just happen to be white.
No smartass I can't borrow a pair of my sister's because she's almost 6 feet tall and has big feet where I'm 5'4 and have feet that can fit into Barbie shoes. Literally, I fit into a kids large slipper its fantastic I get made fun of for it all the time.
Off to see Appaloosa tonight, last night in town can't miss the rubber chickens then I'm going home and staying in bed for three days and talking to a certain special someone until my ear falls off. \
I love you. Mister Mystery
k I have to pee goodbye

_

EVERYONE IN PRINCE GEORGE

GO TO TWISTED SOUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tattoos
fucking amazing


-

bad liver and a broken heart

Buy?

You want to buy?

You can buy!


all paintings done by my Ms. Kelly

I have more but didn't get photos of them yet

-

so one more time lets give it up for the girl who gives it up

raise your fingers for the girl who says 'fuck'

look at your feet when walking past the girl who tripped and fell on a man that wasn't hers

clap your hands to the girl who won a second chance

wave goodbye to the girl that can never stay put

judge the girl who doesn't care what you think - she does care

a no smoking sign on your cigarette break

This is Moe and Lilah. The pup in the back is Gizmo he likes to eat cat shit.

Yes, my cats wear shirts.

and come for car rides

Just spent the last 3 or so hours playing Wii fit and Wii sport so I am in desperate need of a shower. Think I'm getting an ear infection too. It won't pop and its making me insane not that I wasn't already but you know what I mean.

My mom has taken to calling me Ginger Snap now thanks to my new red hair.

First and only text of the day (thanks people make me feel loved) "Hey GS what are you doing? love mom"

My cats are the most bizzare animals I know. Moe is the biggest mama-suck you'll ever meet, Lilah is a fat spoiled brat and they both do this hilarious thing when kneeding a soft blanket like normal cats do, cause well, its soft. They BOTH bite onto the blanket and suck on it whilst kneeding it. And they drool a lot when they are happy which is most of the time. Gonna have a new cat soon named Calico. Hate the name, love the cat.

This one goes out to the one I love.

I just about went ass over teakettle this afternoon coming in from a smoke. Lilah likes to dart out the door every possible chance so I always go in and out the door quickly opening it as little as possible, anywho, well right at the front doorway there is a step and I came inside backwards because I do that sometimes and both my heels on my shoes landed on the edge and I hit my lower back on the table right behind me and thank God because I would have fallen flat on my flat ass if not for that table.

I have nothing to say ever. That's exciting anyway. Sorry.

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strip away the ugliness that surrounds me

I'm stuck in the 90's music wise at the moment.

All the cheesy shit too, I love it.

Getting two new tattoos on theee 17th I think?

That will make 10.

Wow

I'm so beating you you know who you are although you do not read this. Wonder if your ex still does?

Went for a nice walk with my mom today at the park here, everyone was walking a dog but me I had a cigarette in one hand and a non-alcoholic beer in the other. I saw some folk giving me funny looks. I liked it. You hear that? I like your judgement bitch.

Every day is the same. I do nothing, I talk , then when dinner comes around I eat it or I don't, if I do I always have to sleep afterwards, its the weirdest thing never done that before. Turkey din doesn't even make me that sleepy.

Watched City of Angels last night made me sad why did they have to kill Meg Ryan, WHY?!

ok I'm going to bed or something.

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Ok I lied I can't to to sleep yet and I really don't feel like watching Jessica Simpson attempt to act so I'll tell you more about my day. YAY MORE ME! I went to the library and got four free books, they are called "travelling books" meaning once you're done with it pass it to someone else so it can "continue its journey" Prince George is fucking weird. I also found a PostSecret book and grabbed it on a whim, read it while making and eating dinner. Man some of the shit these people send in make you want to put your head through some fucking drywall. Some cute ones though but not many.

I think my greatest find at the library is a book called The F Word. Give you one guess which f word its about...

Took too long, the whole book is about the word fuck. What a gem.

I really hate libraries sometimes because they never have the books I want. I go in looking for some Vonnegut and there are three books there, one I own, the other I've read already so I just grabbed Mother Night and looked for Coupland. All he had was Generation - X. BOOORRING.

blah blah blah blahablahdnanananaannnaa

ahhh sweet release

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will I see you tonight?

I need a purpose. I need to stop complaining, and being this machine that just spews bullshit about me and how fucking boring my life is.
When will I stop being the only thing I have to talk about.
Can't work, not capable.
Can't make friends because I live in ass fuck nowhere.
I can't go to work and make friends because I'm not capable.
I can't help someone I love who is now in the same situation I was in over a year ago.
I need a purpose.
I have no one to take care of but myself and I'm so sick of me that I don't even do that.
Sad look on Kelly's face? "Well what's wrong dear?" And off I go again, talking about myself.
They all want me to talk about myself and what's wrong. What's wrong is I am sick to fucking death of talking about myself and my problems but can't fucking stop because I've been brainwashed to think its the only thing that can help.
Blah blah blah, me me me.
I was happier having someone to think of other than myself.
I'm not a selfish person, I'm a broken person who aches to heal another broken person.
I'm lost in this sick circle of everyday mundane bullshit that turns into life altering events in my head because I'm so lost in every other aspect of life.
I got something back recently that I lost, but only got it back in part.
I gave a part of myself away to people that I will never get back. Is it a part of myself I want back? I don't know.
I can't even decide if I'm made of different parts, good and bad, or if I'm just pieces to several different puzzles that can't be put together. Each puzzle missing that one important piece to make it whole.
Are my missing pieces that one magical pill to make my head right?
Are my pieces that beautiful broken man I left in shambles, that man who always somehow kept me in one piece?
When you're sick and left to your own thoughts you fixate on yourself, or people who are like you. Maybe if I could save him I could save myself you think. You become this monomaniacal thing that people don't know what to do with.
I'm a burden to all the people that love me because watching me hurt hurts them, which in turn hurts me more and it never ends. I used to expect these people to make my life better for me, want them to do all the right things to get me help. I can't do it anymore. I need to find my own way out.
I need a purpose.
But I'm lost.


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back to ginger

Oh I'm sorry, excuse my butter face.

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